77th Annual "Dominion of Cool Reviews the Oscars"
Its the time of year when we here at "Dominion of Cool" do our annual review of the Academy Awards - a tradition started back in 1929 with the very first Oscars Ceremony (this blog was only 16 years old in those days). We have some exciting updates this year: first, this will be the first time our review of the ceremony appears in "Blog-form." Second, this will also be the first time we've actually reviewed the fucking things.
And now the review:
Having seen exactly ZERO of the nominated movies for last evening's Oscar's, I will now offer my EXPERT ANALYSIS of the glamorous (bullshit/transparent/vomit-inducing) proceedings.
Yes - I broke with my no-pop-culture-television-programs regimen for a single evening to watch the annual Academy Awards - a thing I have not watched in its entirety since ... oh, well, I've never watched the fucking thing in its entirety, it seems. Here are the problems as I see them:
Chris Rock - a comedian who is, admittedly, funny. But hosting the Oscars? He was, quite clearly, out of his element. Stripped of his ability to rant and swear about race and politics, he was almost pathetic. It was like watching Scarface on Cable TV. Where was the edge? Oh, yes, there was the "these next four presenters" comment about Salma Hayek and the other hispanic actress (name? sorry - mindblank, but I'm not looking it up ... the hell with that). Very funny, Rock. Four presenters - you mean their boobs, ha ha. Cause there was really only two of them, you see where the humor is coming from? It was an ironic statement. There was also the uproarously hilarious scene with Adam Sandler, where Rock pretended to read lines for the absent Catherine Zeta Jones. Ah, nevermind. That wasn't funny at all. And besides ... Catherine Zeta is better looking than Rock. Right? Anyway ... leave Rock to his HBO specials and find somebody else for next year.
The Aviator - after watching "Gangs of New York" I swore Scorcese off until he stops selling out in a desperate attempt to finally wrap up the award he should have gotten for any number of other flicks (i.e. Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, and Goodfellas). And, if there was any question as to whether or not Martin had lost his mind, he answered it when he RE-cast Leonardo in a leading role. Yes. RE-cast. A SECOND TIME. What's the problem, Marti? DeNiro got old and lost his ability to pick a good flick (seriously - what was the last good movie DeNiro made?) so now you've replaced him with the perpetually-16-yr-old freak? Is he the next great American actor - is that what you're trying to say? Well piss off, Marti - you got fucked again, and it wasn't worth it after all. But then maybe it would have been better if you had won - maybe then you'd get back to making movies I actually want to watch. Nevertheless, the flick did take home a good 5 or 6 Oscars - all part of the industry's plan to (in the absence of a truly great movie last year) create the illusion that something of lasting significance was filmed and people loved it (which, they didn't).
Hillary Swank - an ugly actress of very moderate talents takes home her second Best-Actress Award. Fine. The truth is, I could really care less about these things, so what do I care who wins? What pisses me off is that I had to stare into that gaping maelstrom in her head. The thing they claim is her mouth. But don't let them fool you - its really a star that exploded and whose gravity collapsed into itself. With that hideous snout she'll be able to slurp up a good six or seven more Oscars before she runs out of room to store them.
Beyonce - the truth about last night is that it wasn't actually the 77th Annual Academy Awards. It was actually a Beyonce concert (she sang, what, three fucking times?). In between sets (when she went to change her horrible costumes, have 50 pounds of make-up sandblasted off her face, and have 50 pounds of makeup re-applied (viz. semi-automatic paintball guns) to her face) they handed out a couple of shiny trophies to keep us "entertained" while we waited for her next set to begin. But what kills me here (and should kill you too) is that they tried to pass off the young singer of "Bootylicious" and star of "Austin Powers Three" as something resembling an artistic performer. They had her singing in French, singing Andrew Lloyd Weber songs, and so on and so forth. Just like the movie-biz did with "Aviator", this was the music-industry's laughable (insulting/shameful/"of apocalyptic proportions") effort to invent the illusion that there are brilliant young stars out there, beloved of the public, who will be manifesting their art as reality for many years to come. The truth is - not that it needs explaining - that Destiny's Child just put out a new CD and we're all supposed to go "Oh, that Beyonce has the loveliest voice. I think I'll rush out and buy her latest musical recording for $15. I would just get a few songs I like for very cheap on the internet, but as I can plainly see simply by watching the Oscars, Beyonce is not just another shitty R&B singer - she's an artist, and she's the BIG THING right now."
What I DID LIKE:
The Counting Crows: a good recording band, if a very sub-par stadium performer. But they make decent music, and it was pleasant to see them do a number inbetween the pretentious bullshit ceremony of Hollywood and Beyonce.
Dustin Hoffman: motherfucker was blasted out of his mind. He actually needed Barbara Streisand to tell him when it was his turn to speak. Then he shouted out "And the winner is!" while holding the envolope behind his back with Streisand desperately trying to reach over and grab it from him. And it was a big award too - like best actress or best picture or something. Good stuff.
Al Pacino: Even if only on stage to talk about some director nobody's ever heard of (which, by the way, is why he was winning the "Lifetime Achievement Award" which seldomly goes to pop-culture icons, and this is a GOOD THING), it was so refreshing to see a REAL ACTOR amidst the "I'm 40 but I look 30" crowd of sissies who sport intentionally messy hair, talk in psuedo-deep voices (IE - Colin Farrel, Orlando Bloom), and make a mockery of film. Just seeing Pacino's mug on stage, and hearing his gruff, angry voice, was a highlight, when one considers the second best presenter on stage all evening was, I think, Adam Sandler (what a joke). But maybe I'm forgetting someone. Hopefully.
Back from hiatus ---
-CONTROVERSIAL ARGUMENT OF THE WEEK-
The last three actresses to win "Best Actor" are Halle Barry (a gorgeous actress who made herself ugly for a role), Charlize Theron (a good looking actress who made herself hideous for a role), and now Hillary Swank (an already ugly actress who made herself even uglier for a role). The pattern here, I think, is this: an actress whose name starts with a "C" should win best actress next year (Halle - "H", Charlize - "C", Hillary - "H"). Right? Oh ... and also, if an actress would like to win an Oscar, all she has to do is make herself ugly for a role, and she will at least get a nomination. Apparently this is "art." You can just picture the Academy sitting around, reviewing the nominated films, and saying "Oh, she is such a beautiful actress in real life, how brave of her to sacrifice her image for the integrity of the role. What an artist." So I suggest female vocalists start trying this same thing. In an attempt to win best female vocalist of the year, they should start releasing video's that show them all butch-looking in ratty clothes, with mangled teeth, pale-skin, and old-lady haircuts. Or in Lil' Kim's case, she can just go on her natural looks, which I might describe as "beast-of-burdenish."
Leave comments this time, chums. It takes a couple of seconds and it makes me a happy little blogger.
A Presto
Mike
And now the review:
Having seen exactly ZERO of the nominated movies for last evening's Oscar's, I will now offer my EXPERT ANALYSIS of the glamorous (bullshit/transparent/vomit-inducing) proceedings.
Yes - I broke with my no-pop-culture-television-programs regimen for a single evening to watch the annual Academy Awards - a thing I have not watched in its entirety since ... oh, well, I've never watched the fucking thing in its entirety, it seems. Here are the problems as I see them:
Chris Rock - a comedian who is, admittedly, funny. But hosting the Oscars? He was, quite clearly, out of his element. Stripped of his ability to rant and swear about race and politics, he was almost pathetic. It was like watching Scarface on Cable TV. Where was the edge? Oh, yes, there was the "these next four presenters" comment about Salma Hayek and the other hispanic actress (name? sorry - mindblank, but I'm not looking it up ... the hell with that). Very funny, Rock. Four presenters - you mean their boobs, ha ha. Cause there was really only two of them, you see where the humor is coming from? It was an ironic statement. There was also the uproarously hilarious scene with Adam Sandler, where Rock pretended to read lines for the absent Catherine Zeta Jones. Ah, nevermind. That wasn't funny at all. And besides ... Catherine Zeta is better looking than Rock. Right? Anyway ... leave Rock to his HBO specials and find somebody else for next year.
The Aviator - after watching "Gangs of New York" I swore Scorcese off until he stops selling out in a desperate attempt to finally wrap up the award he should have gotten for any number of other flicks (i.e. Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, and Goodfellas). And, if there was any question as to whether or not Martin had lost his mind, he answered it when he RE-cast Leonardo in a leading role. Yes. RE-cast. A SECOND TIME. What's the problem, Marti? DeNiro got old and lost his ability to pick a good flick (seriously - what was the last good movie DeNiro made?) so now you've replaced him with the perpetually-16-yr-old freak? Is he the next great American actor - is that what you're trying to say? Well piss off, Marti - you got fucked again, and it wasn't worth it after all. But then maybe it would have been better if you had won - maybe then you'd get back to making movies I actually want to watch. Nevertheless, the flick did take home a good 5 or 6 Oscars - all part of the industry's plan to (in the absence of a truly great movie last year) create the illusion that something of lasting significance was filmed and people loved it (which, they didn't).
Hillary Swank - an ugly actress of very moderate talents takes home her second Best-Actress Award. Fine. The truth is, I could really care less about these things, so what do I care who wins? What pisses me off is that I had to stare into that gaping maelstrom in her head. The thing they claim is her mouth. But don't let them fool you - its really a star that exploded and whose gravity collapsed into itself. With that hideous snout she'll be able to slurp up a good six or seven more Oscars before she runs out of room to store them.
Beyonce - the truth about last night is that it wasn't actually the 77th Annual Academy Awards. It was actually a Beyonce concert (she sang, what, three fucking times?). In between sets (when she went to change her horrible costumes, have 50 pounds of make-up sandblasted off her face, and have 50 pounds of makeup re-applied (viz. semi-automatic paintball guns) to her face) they handed out a couple of shiny trophies to keep us "entertained" while we waited for her next set to begin. But what kills me here (and should kill you too) is that they tried to pass off the young singer of "Bootylicious" and star of "Austin Powers Three" as something resembling an artistic performer. They had her singing in French, singing Andrew Lloyd Weber songs, and so on and so forth. Just like the movie-biz did with "Aviator", this was the music-industry's laughable (insulting/shameful/"of apocalyptic proportions") effort to invent the illusion that there are brilliant young stars out there, beloved of the public, who will be manifesting their art as reality for many years to come. The truth is - not that it needs explaining - that Destiny's Child just put out a new CD and we're all supposed to go "Oh, that Beyonce has the loveliest voice. I think I'll rush out and buy her latest musical recording for $15. I would just get a few songs I like for very cheap on the internet, but as I can plainly see simply by watching the Oscars, Beyonce is not just another shitty R&B singer - she's an artist, and she's the BIG THING right now."
What I DID LIKE:
The Counting Crows: a good recording band, if a very sub-par stadium performer. But they make decent music, and it was pleasant to see them do a number inbetween the pretentious bullshit ceremony of Hollywood and Beyonce.
Dustin Hoffman: motherfucker was blasted out of his mind. He actually needed Barbara Streisand to tell him when it was his turn to speak. Then he shouted out "And the winner is!" while holding the envolope behind his back with Streisand desperately trying to reach over and grab it from him. And it was a big award too - like best actress or best picture or something. Good stuff.
Al Pacino: Even if only on stage to talk about some director nobody's ever heard of (which, by the way, is why he was winning the "Lifetime Achievement Award" which seldomly goes to pop-culture icons, and this is a GOOD THING), it was so refreshing to see a REAL ACTOR amidst the "I'm 40 but I look 30" crowd of sissies who sport intentionally messy hair, talk in psuedo-deep voices (IE - Colin Farrel, Orlando Bloom), and make a mockery of film. Just seeing Pacino's mug on stage, and hearing his gruff, angry voice, was a highlight, when one considers the second best presenter on stage all evening was, I think, Adam Sandler (what a joke). But maybe I'm forgetting someone. Hopefully.
Back from hiatus ---
-CONTROVERSIAL ARGUMENT OF THE WEEK-
The last three actresses to win "Best Actor" are Halle Barry (a gorgeous actress who made herself ugly for a role), Charlize Theron (a good looking actress who made herself hideous for a role), and now Hillary Swank (an already ugly actress who made herself even uglier for a role). The pattern here, I think, is this: an actress whose name starts with a "C" should win best actress next year (Halle - "H", Charlize - "C", Hillary - "H"). Right? Oh ... and also, if an actress would like to win an Oscar, all she has to do is make herself ugly for a role, and she will at least get a nomination. Apparently this is "art." You can just picture the Academy sitting around, reviewing the nominated films, and saying "Oh, she is such a beautiful actress in real life, how brave of her to sacrifice her image for the integrity of the role. What an artist." So I suggest female vocalists start trying this same thing. In an attempt to win best female vocalist of the year, they should start releasing video's that show them all butch-looking in ratty clothes, with mangled teeth, pale-skin, and old-lady haircuts. Or in Lil' Kim's case, she can just go on her natural looks, which I might describe as "beast-of-burdenish."
Leave comments this time, chums. It takes a couple of seconds and it makes me a happy little blogger.
A Presto
Mike
posted by Il Pazzo @ 4:16 PM
2 Comments:
At 7:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
nice description of hillary swank. my friends and i enjoyed seeing the word "maelstrom" employed in a situation other than referencing the 80s classic computer game. if you dont want to see million dollar baby, you could just watch 90210 reruns, when she plays a single 20 year old poor waitress mother with an inexplicably 7 year old child, to fully appreciate her "craft"
At 4:47 PM,
john. said…
You forgot to point out Sean Penn's massive lack of sense of humor when he felt it necessary to explain to Chris Rock and the view audience that Jude Law is "one of the best actors" they have.
...Guess that one flew right over his head. What a killjoy.
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