The "Kinds of Graduate Students" Edition
Before getting to the cruxt of this blog (my belated response to the venerable Schwegler's request), I will make some brief responses to the most recent comment left on my blog.
1. Where is Buffalo? Well, Buffalo is a crusted, maggot-birthing cadavor of a city that is located somewhere between the outer circles of Hell and the volcanoes at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Its infesting wretchedness is exceeded only by the nightmarish, sickening cesspool that is its suburban neighbor - the village of Hamburg, whose inhabitants are frozen up to their necks in ice, and whose brains are eternally chewed on from the back of their heads by demons. There is, however, a green pasture amidst all this horror. The town of Orchard Park provides a sun-shiney playground of friendly people who pave their streets in gold and make life a pleasant experience. (AKA - Buffalo is located in Western New York).
2. Thoughts on Mitch Hedburg? Previous to this request, I had exactly zero thoughts on Mitch Hedburg. His name being mentioned, however, led to my first thought on him - "who is Mitch Hedburg?" This led to my second thought on Mitch Hedburg - "he must be somebody famous" which led to my third - "what is Mitch Hedburg famous for?" A quick Yahoo search (totalling twenty-six seconds) informed me that Mitch Hedburg is somebody who appears frequently on television ... and then ... well, my interest in researching Mitch Hedburg came crashing to a hault. But if anyone else has thoughts on Mitch Hedburg, and would like to leave your thoughts in a comment (particularly if the comment helps to enlighten my entirely Mitch-ignorant ass) then feel free.
And thankyou for your comment. Always appreciated.
Now, I was remiss in my last blog for not responding to a direct reader request - namely the Venerable Schwegler's request that I discuss graduate students. But I never refuse a request, and so belated as this may be, the matter is addressed nonetheless.
There are three types of graduate students, and I have managed to interview one from each category. The encounter was simple: Me: Please classify yourself as a graduate student Them: Why, certainly. So, without further delay, the staff of Dominion of Cool now presents ... "Categories of Graduate Students"
1. "Hi. My name is Sigmund Waltergas and I am a graduate student at Balls University. Currently, I am a third-year history PhD with a concentration in early European commerce. I fancy myself an intellectual of the highest variety, though I'm really just a pompous, pretentious cocksucker of a bastard that pisses everyone off with my side-parted hair and my sweater-vest/collared-shirt combo. Also, I love to use words like "appropriation," "hegemonic," "discursivity," and "rhizomatic." One day I will realize my dream of being a college professor and I'll get to publish scholarly articles in publications that nobody reads, and I'll get to present papers at scholarly conventions, and (this is my favorite part) I'll get to smile and snicker like a shit-eating little fuck about the clever way I put something - ya know, the type of joke that only us intellectuals get. In the meantime, if you'd like to meet me at a cafe or a very high-class, fancy-drink, upscale-dress type bar, I'd be happy to discuss any number of academic subjects with you. Oh yah ... I also like to use the words "pathos" and "phallogocentric."
2. "What's up. My name is Seth Shitface, and I'm a second-year Masters student at the University of Monstrous Boobies. I'm studying English, and my concentration is in the hermenutics of suspicion as it pertains to contemporary American lit. But I'm not one of those uppity intellectual types, as you can clearly tell from my salvation-army shirt, black jeans, and psychotically styled hair. I'm my own person. I like to wear jeans and a t-shirt, and then for no reason at all put a suit-coat on instead of a real jacket. I like to wear crumbling old bowling shoes and talk about all the nameless, bizarre, garbage-disposal music I listen to. Though I'm incredibly intelligent (a fact I will subtly drill into you over, and over, and over again - AD FUCKING NAUSEUM!!) I just want you to see me for who I really am - namely a posing, middle-of-the-pack, billboard advertisement for mediocrity, pretending to be a unique, free-spirited individual who does my own thing. Some things I really, really hate a lot - politcally incorrect statements, Republicans, anything resembling a racist comment, sexists, police officers, white people, good music, movies you've actually heard of, and people who eat meat. Also, I love to read Hunter S. Thompson's "Fear and Loathing" and Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" and pretend that I'm a hip anti-art artist. If you wanna chill sometime, come meet me at one of the artsy bars in the theatre district, and we'll talk about bands like Moe, writers like Ginsberg, and movies no one's ever seen."
3. "Hi, my name is Il Pazzo, and I'm a Masters student at a major university. I'm the kid who dresses normal and sits in the back of the class with my arms folded behind my head, chewing on my pen, legs crossed, and staring silently into space while the pomp and arrogance of academics manifests itself all around me. I'm the one who is disillusioned entirely with the world of academia, the one whose abandoned my plans of going on for a PhD despite my 4.0 gpa, the one who just wants to get the fuck out, guzzle a bottle of Maker's Mark and several Gin and Tonics, smoke a thick Havanna cigar, and scream obscenities at innocent pedestrians. I'd rather sit down and write a colorfully worded letter to the Buffalo Sports Page than send a mercelessly boring and pointless intellectual article to a scholarly publication that nobody reads. I'd rather spend my mornings writing, my afternoons lifting weights, my evenings reading, and my nights drinking my face off than sit through another class with all of you high-wired, self-assured, brand X martyr's to the textbook that are trying so desperately to buy your future - a future that is as bright and beautiful as lipstick on a corpse. Give me a drink in my hand, a mouth to fuck, a fine cigar to puff, and a high-scoring hockey game on TV, and I'll show you everything you've ever needed to know about life. Academia is bullshit. Graduate students are fuckers. The hell with the large majority of you."
Well, that was fun. Thankyou to the Venerable Schwegler for such a worthy request. I hope I was able to do it justice.
Well, with the election long over, the Bills now officially eliminated, and hockey still far away on the horizon, this blog is hurting for subject-matter. As always, I solicit comments and requests, because they provide fuel for the creative fire. But I've had an idea. Maybe some "weeklies" would spice the damn thing up and give me something to write about on a regular basis - ya know, in the absence of more worthy material. So, with that in mind, I've created what I envision as my first weekly feature, a section I am calling ... "Controversial Argument of the Week." As you might expect, this section will feature a weekly comment/argument/brief-essay, etc. that is intended to anger/humiliate/enrage and otherwise provoke on all levels the masses who may or may not be reading this blog. So enough blathering - here is the section's debut:
- CONTROVERSIAL ARGUMENT OF THE WEEK -
I think people with lazy eyes are offensive. They make everyone uncomfortable with that crooked gaze of theirs - you never know where they are looking. Are they looking at you? At something behind you? Next to you? I think people with lazy eyes should be required (by law, if not simply by good manners) to wear sunglasses everywhere they go. Either that, or they should have to point at what they are looking at. At all times. This would help minimize any confusion, am I right? Otherwise, they will continue to be offensive, odious, and utterly hateful members of a society that doesn't want them.
Let me know what you think about my new idea. I think it shows promise, but the staff here at Dominion of Cool understands that true progress is made only when helped along by outside criticism and insight.
Unsolicited CD reccomendation: Lucinda Williams. A little-known, underappreciated country/rock female vocalist who sings some seriously cool shit. I can't speak for most of her work (yet - that will soon be changing), but I do own her 1998 "Car Wheels on a Gravel Road" album, and it remains one of my very favorite. Some great songs, all with a hint of country, but managing not to fall into the quick-sand deathtrap of cliche country-western. What it is more akin to is rock music with country influence. Those who are familiar with the work of the more famous, less-talented Sheryl Crow can get a good sense of what Lucinda's music is all about. Only its far better. Lucinda is no pretty-faced, delicate-voiced california hippy babe posing as a hard-rockin' mama. No, she's the real deal. A tough-looking, beer-chugging, tough-voiced, seriously talented motherfucker of an artist. So check her out.
Okay, well that'll have to do it. As I said, the blog is struggling for ideas, and is really just coasting along at this point. Please leave comments, chums. We only had one last time, and that is a disappointing number - the kind that strips the blog of all legitimacy and threatens to render it irrelevant and a pointless waste of my time. Leave comments - make arguments - fight with me, swear at me, compliment me, declare your undying love for me - DO SOMETHING!
A Presto
Il Pazzo
1. Where is Buffalo? Well, Buffalo is a crusted, maggot-birthing cadavor of a city that is located somewhere between the outer circles of Hell and the volcanoes at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Its infesting wretchedness is exceeded only by the nightmarish, sickening cesspool that is its suburban neighbor - the village of Hamburg, whose inhabitants are frozen up to their necks in ice, and whose brains are eternally chewed on from the back of their heads by demons. There is, however, a green pasture amidst all this horror. The town of Orchard Park provides a sun-shiney playground of friendly people who pave their streets in gold and make life a pleasant experience. (AKA - Buffalo is located in Western New York).
2. Thoughts on Mitch Hedburg? Previous to this request, I had exactly zero thoughts on Mitch Hedburg. His name being mentioned, however, led to my first thought on him - "who is Mitch Hedburg?" This led to my second thought on Mitch Hedburg - "he must be somebody famous" which led to my third - "what is Mitch Hedburg famous for?" A quick Yahoo search (totalling twenty-six seconds) informed me that Mitch Hedburg is somebody who appears frequently on television ... and then ... well, my interest in researching Mitch Hedburg came crashing to a hault. But if anyone else has thoughts on Mitch Hedburg, and would like to leave your thoughts in a comment (particularly if the comment helps to enlighten my entirely Mitch-ignorant ass) then feel free.
And thankyou for your comment. Always appreciated.
Now, I was remiss in my last blog for not responding to a direct reader request - namely the Venerable Schwegler's request that I discuss graduate students. But I never refuse a request, and so belated as this may be, the matter is addressed nonetheless.
There are three types of graduate students, and I have managed to interview one from each category. The encounter was simple: Me: Please classify yourself as a graduate student Them: Why, certainly. So, without further delay, the staff of Dominion of Cool now presents ... "Categories of Graduate Students"
1. "Hi. My name is Sigmund Waltergas and I am a graduate student at Balls University. Currently, I am a third-year history PhD with a concentration in early European commerce. I fancy myself an intellectual of the highest variety, though I'm really just a pompous, pretentious cocksucker of a bastard that pisses everyone off with my side-parted hair and my sweater-vest/collared-shirt combo. Also, I love to use words like "appropriation," "hegemonic," "discursivity," and "rhizomatic." One day I will realize my dream of being a college professor and I'll get to publish scholarly articles in publications that nobody reads, and I'll get to present papers at scholarly conventions, and (this is my favorite part) I'll get to smile and snicker like a shit-eating little fuck about the clever way I put something - ya know, the type of joke that only us intellectuals get. In the meantime, if you'd like to meet me at a cafe or a very high-class, fancy-drink, upscale-dress type bar, I'd be happy to discuss any number of academic subjects with you. Oh yah ... I also like to use the words "pathos" and "phallogocentric."
2. "What's up. My name is Seth Shitface, and I'm a second-year Masters student at the University of Monstrous Boobies. I'm studying English, and my concentration is in the hermenutics of suspicion as it pertains to contemporary American lit. But I'm not one of those uppity intellectual types, as you can clearly tell from my salvation-army shirt, black jeans, and psychotically styled hair. I'm my own person. I like to wear jeans and a t-shirt, and then for no reason at all put a suit-coat on instead of a real jacket. I like to wear crumbling old bowling shoes and talk about all the nameless, bizarre, garbage-disposal music I listen to. Though I'm incredibly intelligent (a fact I will subtly drill into you over, and over, and over again - AD FUCKING NAUSEUM!!) I just want you to see me for who I really am - namely a posing, middle-of-the-pack, billboard advertisement for mediocrity, pretending to be a unique, free-spirited individual who does my own thing. Some things I really, really hate a lot - politcally incorrect statements, Republicans, anything resembling a racist comment, sexists, police officers, white people, good music, movies you've actually heard of, and people who eat meat. Also, I love to read Hunter S. Thompson's "Fear and Loathing" and Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" and pretend that I'm a hip anti-art artist. If you wanna chill sometime, come meet me at one of the artsy bars in the theatre district, and we'll talk about bands like Moe, writers like Ginsberg, and movies no one's ever seen."
3. "Hi, my name is Il Pazzo, and I'm a Masters student at a major university. I'm the kid who dresses normal and sits in the back of the class with my arms folded behind my head, chewing on my pen, legs crossed, and staring silently into space while the pomp and arrogance of academics manifests itself all around me. I'm the one who is disillusioned entirely with the world of academia, the one whose abandoned my plans of going on for a PhD despite my 4.0 gpa, the one who just wants to get the fuck out, guzzle a bottle of Maker's Mark and several Gin and Tonics, smoke a thick Havanna cigar, and scream obscenities at innocent pedestrians. I'd rather sit down and write a colorfully worded letter to the Buffalo Sports Page than send a mercelessly boring and pointless intellectual article to a scholarly publication that nobody reads. I'd rather spend my mornings writing, my afternoons lifting weights, my evenings reading, and my nights drinking my face off than sit through another class with all of you high-wired, self-assured, brand X martyr's to the textbook that are trying so desperately to buy your future - a future that is as bright and beautiful as lipstick on a corpse. Give me a drink in my hand, a mouth to fuck, a fine cigar to puff, and a high-scoring hockey game on TV, and I'll show you everything you've ever needed to know about life. Academia is bullshit. Graduate students are fuckers. The hell with the large majority of you."
Well, that was fun. Thankyou to the Venerable Schwegler for such a worthy request. I hope I was able to do it justice.
Well, with the election long over, the Bills now officially eliminated, and hockey still far away on the horizon, this blog is hurting for subject-matter. As always, I solicit comments and requests, because they provide fuel for the creative fire. But I've had an idea. Maybe some "weeklies" would spice the damn thing up and give me something to write about on a regular basis - ya know, in the absence of more worthy material. So, with that in mind, I've created what I envision as my first weekly feature, a section I am calling ... "Controversial Argument of the Week." As you might expect, this section will feature a weekly comment/argument/brief-essay, etc. that is intended to anger/humiliate/enrage and otherwise provoke on all levels the masses who may or may not be reading this blog. So enough blathering - here is the section's debut:
- CONTROVERSIAL ARGUMENT OF THE WEEK -
I think people with lazy eyes are offensive. They make everyone uncomfortable with that crooked gaze of theirs - you never know where they are looking. Are they looking at you? At something behind you? Next to you? I think people with lazy eyes should be required (by law, if not simply by good manners) to wear sunglasses everywhere they go. Either that, or they should have to point at what they are looking at. At all times. This would help minimize any confusion, am I right? Otherwise, they will continue to be offensive, odious, and utterly hateful members of a society that doesn't want them.
Let me know what you think about my new idea. I think it shows promise, but the staff here at Dominion of Cool understands that true progress is made only when helped along by outside criticism and insight.
Unsolicited CD reccomendation: Lucinda Williams. A little-known, underappreciated country/rock female vocalist who sings some seriously cool shit. I can't speak for most of her work (yet - that will soon be changing), but I do own her 1998 "Car Wheels on a Gravel Road" album, and it remains one of my very favorite. Some great songs, all with a hint of country, but managing not to fall into the quick-sand deathtrap of cliche country-western. What it is more akin to is rock music with country influence. Those who are familiar with the work of the more famous, less-talented Sheryl Crow can get a good sense of what Lucinda's music is all about. Only its far better. Lucinda is no pretty-faced, delicate-voiced california hippy babe posing as a hard-rockin' mama. No, she's the real deal. A tough-looking, beer-chugging, tough-voiced, seriously talented motherfucker of an artist. So check her out.
Okay, well that'll have to do it. As I said, the blog is struggling for ideas, and is really just coasting along at this point. Please leave comments, chums. We only had one last time, and that is a disappointing number - the kind that strips the blog of all legitimacy and threatens to render it irrelevant and a pointless waste of my time. Leave comments - make arguments - fight with me, swear at me, compliment me, declare your undying love for me - DO SOMETHING!
A Presto
Il Pazzo
posted by Il Pazzo @ 10:02 PM
5 Comments:
At 12:17 AM,
Unknown said…
hello from the angry pits of darkness, darkness so black you would swear you were inside of Travis Henry.
Mike, brilliant blog as always, there are too few of of in graduate school today. Also, i would like to take you up on that offer to drink a bottle of wiskey, ride in the back of the truck, and throw milotov coctails into the fairview, 7's, and JP's, all the happy little townie infested pits that hamburg calls home. Well, anyways, heres something you might want to think about for the next blog.
#1 part duex of the tale in mexico
#2 controversial topic
-would it be smart to test everyone in the world for AIDS, and put all the people with AIDS on a shitty island, like australia for instance. That way, they can live out their lives in peace and fuck like rabbits, and then we dont have to spend 800000 billion dollars a year on drugs and research for AIDS, in essence, AIDS killed itself. But then we'd have to think about the people with families and all that.... just food for thought.
I must go, i have to deliver some small-pox to hillary clintons home
At 2:37 PM,
john. said…
Hey, to be fair, Sheryl Crow is from Missouri. St. Louis, I think. And you should give her album, "the globe sessions" a shot. It's before she completely lost it and went total pop like she currently is.
And I must say that you are much better suited for writing things to the weekly sports page as opposed to a scholarly publication. More readers, more money, and more fun. You should try and write for the Beast. You'd fit in quite nicely there.
At 5:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
In response to Thugs... Green Day?? come on. As far as Lucinda Williams goes I have to say I agree with Mike. He forgot to mention that he saw her live as an opening act to Tom Petty. She managed to kick ass on a song that consists of one lonely C chord. I believe the title is "Joy". To be able to get that much feeling and variety from one C chord is amazing. Essence was the follow-up to "Car Wheels" I believe. It was critically acclaimed, I haven't listened to it in years but if I remember correctly the songs are much longer and I believe they are more meloncholy. Thank you Mike for reminding me how good Lucinda is. I think I'll put her in the mustang.
Andrea
At 7:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
yes.. lazy eyed people. i have been in the uncomfortable situation. it trips me out and then I cant help staring down his one crazy lazy eye....and then looking away real quick cuz oops thats rude i guess. but the poor dudes, i mean really. that would suck. ha so i think i can deal with being uncomfortable for a sec because they are probably real uncomfortable. like, o man this sucks. im lazy eyed. on top of that -its dark in here the dang sunglasses. ha- nice advantange pointed out by the thugs guy.
thanks for responding about buffalo. despite your disgust for the place, western new york sounds much cooler then where i pictured it. I dunno, being named Buffalo and all, the animal came to mind which led me to think you were located in some small town like in texas surrounded by praries of grazing buffalos. but of course, geography is my worst subject. my bad
about mitch -well hes a comedian and just curious what anyone thinks because I've never laughed so hard as i did when he came here on the comedy central tour. hes basically a guy who is at all times drunk and high and his delivery of his one liners is hysterical. i'll provide some quotes
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're f*cking relentless."
"I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, "F*ck that, I'll just make a copy."
"My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! F*ck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
"I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit."
looking at these, they dont have the same effect as hearing the wasted dude and watching him near fall off his stool. the fact that i get such a big kick out of him either means hes awesome and hilarious or i have a really lame sense of humor. anyone interested should download a clip of him from comedy central site.
about green day... their new cd is great. but i kind of hate them is the thing. they think they are real awesome because they are bashing america and bush and they think they are really getting their message out there and whatever. but yea their message is lame, but the music part of their new cd is refreshing.
..i've written way too much by now.
At 7:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
yes.. lazy eyed people. i have been in the uncomfortable situation. it trips me out and then I cant help staring down his one crazy lazy eye....and then looking away real quick cuz oops thats rude i guess. but the poor dudes, i mean really. that would suck. ha so i think i can deal with being uncomfortable for a sec because they are probably real uncomfortable. like, o man this sucks. im lazy eyed. on top of that -its dark in here the dang sunglasses. ha- nice advantange pointed out by the thugs guy.
thanks for responding about buffalo. despite your disgust for the place, western new york sounds much cooler then where i pictured it. I dunno, being named Buffalo and all, the animal came to mind which led me to think you were located in some small town like in texas surrounded by praries of grazing buffalos. but of course, geography is my worst subject. my bad
about mitch -well hes a comedian and just curious what anyone thinks because I've never laughed so hard as i did when he came here on the comedy central tour. hes basically a guy who is at all times drunk and high and his delivery of his one liners is hysterical. i'll provide some quotes
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're f*cking relentless."
"I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, "F*ck that, I'll just make a copy."
"My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! F*ck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
"I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit."
looking at these, they dont have the same effect as hearing the wasted dude and watching him near fall off his stool. the fact that i get such a big kick out of him either means hes awesome and hilarious or i have a really lame sense of humor. anyone interested should download a clip of him from comedy central site.
about green day... their new cd is great. but i kind of hate them is the thing. they think they are real awesome because they are bashing america and bush and they think they are really getting their message out there and whatever. but yea their message is lame, but the music part of their new cd is refreshing.
..i've written way too much by now.
Post a Comment
<< Home