Reflexes Got the Better of Me
You might call me a doom sayer of sorts. Or you might just call me a chap whose finally accepted the grim reality of American cultural demise. Either way, as our increasingly eight-minute-attention spans begin to define our art through MTV, our sense of protest through adopting the views already held by a majority of the population and labelling ourselves "freethinkers" and "progressives," and our sense of humor reduced to the obnoxious fart-jokes and sex-references of modern day SNL and MadTV, I've found myself endlessly challenged to endure in the conviction that this is all JUST A PHASE! Surely it will pass!
Unfortunately, no. It will not. The final fraction of my subconscious that still clung desperately to this sinking vessel was finally forced to accept that the Titanic that is our culture has been damaged beyond repair, and it will fracture, split in half, and sink two and a half miles to a dark, cold, sandy death where tiny wood-chewing parasites will feed off it until nothing remains. Why, you ask? Simple - have you seen today's Life&Arts section of the Buffalo news? Allow me to quote the headline for you:
"IT TAKES A MAN TO WEAR A PURSE"
Yes. Its true. Men are wearing purses! And not just little convenient carrying cases they picked up down the street at K-Mart (as if that wouldn't be bad enough). No - we're talking designer purses! Big name brands are manufacturing, and selling with much success these Man Purses (or Murses, as the article so cleverly labled them). The justification is this: It takes a strong man to wear a purse knowing he's gonna raise a lot of eyebrows. Strong? Brave? No. I suggest the word here is FAGGOT! Is this what America has been reduced to? If our forefathers could have seen this, would they have been so quick to fight a revolution and found their own nation? No, I think they would have torn their manly wigs from their heads and stomped upon them with rage in their masculine leather boots, and they would have torn their rugged flowery, elaborate blouses with disgust.
Well, friends, here's something that might interest you. The year is rapidly drawing to a close, and as we look back we can see all the soaring highs and abysmal, shameful lows that have made 2004 another dull, pointless year in American history. With this in mind, I have assembled the following list of nominations for "Person of the Year" and "Dipshit of the Year" and I eagerly solicit your votes in either category.
Person of the Year:
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger - nominated for his courageous and successful fight against that age-old discrimination (you know, the one that says 60-yr-old, Austrian body-builders turned action-movie stars who have made such filmic masterpeices as Twins, Jingle All The Way, and Hercules Goes to New York can never get elected governer of California). I believe it was Cicero who said that poets are the unelected voices of a society (it may not have been Cicero, but it was someone!) - but he was wrong. I've said it for years, and Arnold has finally proved it. Its "60-yr-old, Austrian body-builders turned action-movie stars who have made such filmic masterpeices as Twins, Jingle All The Way, and Hercules Goes to New York" who are the unelelcted voices!
2. Suge Knight - nominated for having yet another fine year as CEO of the immensly successful and still culturally relevant commercial giant "Death Row Records" (now renamed "Tha Row"). Its gratifying to see him prove time and again that the label can still achieve so much minus Dr. Dre, Tupac, and Snoop. In fact - who needs those guys? What, with "Tha Row" now featuring the likes of such monster acts as Danny Boy, Crooked I, Virginya Slim, and Gail Gotti. Oh, and let's now forget an album soon to be released by the late Lisa "left-eye" Lopes under the name "N.I.N.A." The best is yet to come for this remarkably successful label (which is definitely not in its final, drawn out, desperate death-throws) and dreams will continue to come true for its artists. And as "Tha Row" website itself says - "The man that turned those dreams into reality was himself a living example of keeping hope alive under abject circumstances."
3. Elvis Presley - another strong showing from the King, who remains the highest selling dead guy every year. From albums, to merchandise and collectibles, to posters, to books, to tourism, and also to his movies (inexplicably as that might seem), no celebrity ever to kick the bucket has ever managed to dethrown The Pelvis from his position atop the highly glorified and glamorous world of "Buying Dead People Shit."
And now for the slightly more interesting list of nominations ...
Dipshit of the Year:
1. Colin Farrell - it is truly depressing to see how far our culture continues to sag. Long past are the days of rugged, masculine, truly screen-commanding leading men with a fuck of a presence in each scene. Gone are the days of Humphrey Bogart, John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Marlon Brando, Robert DeNiro, and Al Pacino. Here we find the era of the effeminate, girly-voiced, soft-mouthed, and puppy-eyed pussies of the contemporary screen. Chief among them - our "Irish Bad Boy" Colin, who E! deems to be outlandishly rebellious on account of the fact that he drinks beer and smokes cigarettes ... and oh my god, he swears! Yet somehow, this un-Greek flamer is somehow given the nod to play the greatest military commander in the history of human civilization - and play him, nonetheless, as a half-womanish mama's boy. Not that there's any historical evidence to substantiate any of that, but hey - its directed by Oliver Stone and he's a fucking genius, or so we're led to believe. He did direct Platoon! Wow, what a resume! Anyway, it would truly be a pleasure to see John Wayne crawl up out of his grave and lay into Colin Farrell with a sawed-off shotgun.
2. Teresa Heinze Kerry - there are certain hedious evils even Poe or Lovecraft would have failed to imagine. Thank god this one is finally receded back into obscurity, and may she never return from there.
3. The estate of Ernest Hemingway - earlier in the year a Hemingway short-story manuscript was brought to light for the first time. Never published, never read, never even known about, and apparently very humorous, if artistically undeveloped. The estate, however, has refused to allow the manuscript to be published and read despite the rabid interest of Hemingway's devoted, obsessive fan-base. They argue that it is not the author at his best. It is from his younger days when he is still trying to find his voice, and therefore it is not comparable with his greatest works (i.e. For Whom The Bell Tolls, The Sun Also Rises, etc.). To this, we the staff of Dominion of Cool can only stand, gaping with shock and horror as one of America's great literary voices is silenced and censored - by his own fucking family!
4. American Idol - every night in my dreams I kill every single person associated with this wicked show - contestants, hosts, judges, writers, and yes even the viewers. This is what Conrad referred to as "the fascination of the abomination." This is reeking gases escaping from the putrid, mangled corpse of American entertainment culture.
5. Bono - because I really hate this man. In a career that has lasted some twenty or more years now, he has managed a handful of decent songs (if that) amidst the backdrop of single after single that is mediocre, obnoxious, and quite overblown among music fans desperate to believe that rock music is somehow still drawing breath in today's world. To say that U2 is a mediocre band is to allow them a generosity I'm not certain they deserve, but I'll allow it simply because I'm benevolent. But consider that every song Bono's ever written/sang has sounded exactly like every other song Bono has ever written/sang. Not to mention these songs are shamelessly eighties pop, which was never cool even when bands like Duran Duran, INXS, Bon Jovi and ABBA were still free to call themselves "artists," let alone throughout the 90's and now shamelessly on into the new millenium. Still singing 80's pop. Still using the aggrevating "voice echo" feature that was the staple of our least talented, easily forgettable 80's bands. And their infuriating new song "Vertigo" which has been happily handed over by the band to Big Brother and force fed down our throats over and over again by innumerable commercials, television and radio. Creative lyrics at least ... "Hello, hello. Ola." Fuck you, Bono. Your nomination to the Rock hall of fame this year is a farce, a travesty, and a wretched, wretched folly that could only be committed by today's loathsome MTV idea of good entertainment.
Well there's the lists, chums. And just for fun, here's one more quickie:
Freak of the Year:
1. John Edwards' sideways mouth. (Note - its not the man being nominated here, its his freakish mouth that opens and closes sideways, rather than up and down)
2. Drew Carrey - the apparent favorite to take over Kilborn's late night spot. Showed he's still a fucking freak of nature when he guest-hosted and revealed that his meatball shaped head continues to grow at alarming rates, his glasses are still bigger than Aretha Franklin's boobs, and his hair has now been grown out longer and inexplicably bleached. Fuck you, Drew.
3. Tom Brady - still a freak with a weird shaped face, a freakishly large mouth, horse teeth, and an infuriating habit of wearing a winter hat at all times.
4. Hillary Clinton - don't deny this. Be honest!!
5. The creators of Comedy Central's "Reno 911" - perhaps the least funny television show on these days (possible exception of Will and Grace) - but even if there are less funny shows, none are as freakish and baffling as this one.
6. Molly Shannon - she will never fall off this list as long as she still draws breath on this planet.
7. Bruce Springstein - still not a rockstar. Still barely a popstar. Still looking ridiculous in his tight jeans, sounding ridiculous with his horribly afflicted vocals, and still writing painful music.
8. Opera - she's fat, she's ugly, her shows are bullshit. Hence, she's a freak.
9. Jerry Sullivan - an angry little poindexter who thrives on getting his angry little poindexter followers pissed off at whomever he happens not to like.
10. Christina Aguilera - didn't think anyone could ever dethrown Madonna as having the least to offer society in any respect whatsoever. But Christina is making a strong bid.
Leave a comment and vote. In fact, I'm gonna have Puff Daddy start a new "Vote or Die" campaign, so if you do not vote for your picks in the respective lists, you will be killed by Diddy, and you will rot in hell.
A Presto, boonfellows! Do not forsake me, I know not what I do!
Unfortunately, no. It will not. The final fraction of my subconscious that still clung desperately to this sinking vessel was finally forced to accept that the Titanic that is our culture has been damaged beyond repair, and it will fracture, split in half, and sink two and a half miles to a dark, cold, sandy death where tiny wood-chewing parasites will feed off it until nothing remains. Why, you ask? Simple - have you seen today's Life&Arts section of the Buffalo news? Allow me to quote the headline for you:
"IT TAKES A MAN TO WEAR A PURSE"
Yes. Its true. Men are wearing purses! And not just little convenient carrying cases they picked up down the street at K-Mart (as if that wouldn't be bad enough). No - we're talking designer purses! Big name brands are manufacturing, and selling with much success these Man Purses (or Murses, as the article so cleverly labled them). The justification is this: It takes a strong man to wear a purse knowing he's gonna raise a lot of eyebrows. Strong? Brave? No. I suggest the word here is FAGGOT! Is this what America has been reduced to? If our forefathers could have seen this, would they have been so quick to fight a revolution and found their own nation? No, I think they would have torn their manly wigs from their heads and stomped upon them with rage in their masculine leather boots, and they would have torn their rugged flowery, elaborate blouses with disgust.
Well, friends, here's something that might interest you. The year is rapidly drawing to a close, and as we look back we can see all the soaring highs and abysmal, shameful lows that have made 2004 another dull, pointless year in American history. With this in mind, I have assembled the following list of nominations for "Person of the Year" and "Dipshit of the Year" and I eagerly solicit your votes in either category.
Person of the Year:
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger - nominated for his courageous and successful fight against that age-old discrimination (you know, the one that says 60-yr-old, Austrian body-builders turned action-movie stars who have made such filmic masterpeices as Twins, Jingle All The Way, and Hercules Goes to New York can never get elected governer of California). I believe it was Cicero who said that poets are the unelected voices of a society (it may not have been Cicero, but it was someone!) - but he was wrong. I've said it for years, and Arnold has finally proved it. Its "60-yr-old, Austrian body-builders turned action-movie stars who have made such filmic masterpeices as Twins, Jingle All The Way, and Hercules Goes to New York" who are the unelelcted voices!
2. Suge Knight - nominated for having yet another fine year as CEO of the immensly successful and still culturally relevant commercial giant "Death Row Records" (now renamed "Tha Row"). Its gratifying to see him prove time and again that the label can still achieve so much minus Dr. Dre, Tupac, and Snoop. In fact - who needs those guys? What, with "Tha Row" now featuring the likes of such monster acts as Danny Boy, Crooked I, Virginya Slim, and Gail Gotti. Oh, and let's now forget an album soon to be released by the late Lisa "left-eye" Lopes under the name "N.I.N.A." The best is yet to come for this remarkably successful label (which is definitely not in its final, drawn out, desperate death-throws) and dreams will continue to come true for its artists. And as "Tha Row" website itself says - "The man that turned those dreams into reality was himself a living example of keeping hope alive under abject circumstances."
3. Elvis Presley - another strong showing from the King, who remains the highest selling dead guy every year. From albums, to merchandise and collectibles, to posters, to books, to tourism, and also to his movies (inexplicably as that might seem), no celebrity ever to kick the bucket has ever managed to dethrown The Pelvis from his position atop the highly glorified and glamorous world of "Buying Dead People Shit."
And now for the slightly more interesting list of nominations ...
Dipshit of the Year:
1. Colin Farrell - it is truly depressing to see how far our culture continues to sag. Long past are the days of rugged, masculine, truly screen-commanding leading men with a fuck of a presence in each scene. Gone are the days of Humphrey Bogart, John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Marlon Brando, Robert DeNiro, and Al Pacino. Here we find the era of the effeminate, girly-voiced, soft-mouthed, and puppy-eyed pussies of the contemporary screen. Chief among them - our "Irish Bad Boy" Colin, who E! deems to be outlandishly rebellious on account of the fact that he drinks beer and smokes cigarettes ... and oh my god, he swears! Yet somehow, this un-Greek flamer is somehow given the nod to play the greatest military commander in the history of human civilization - and play him, nonetheless, as a half-womanish mama's boy. Not that there's any historical evidence to substantiate any of that, but hey - its directed by Oliver Stone and he's a fucking genius, or so we're led to believe. He did direct Platoon! Wow, what a resume! Anyway, it would truly be a pleasure to see John Wayne crawl up out of his grave and lay into Colin Farrell with a sawed-off shotgun.
2. Teresa Heinze Kerry - there are certain hedious evils even Poe or Lovecraft would have failed to imagine. Thank god this one is finally receded back into obscurity, and may she never return from there.
3. The estate of Ernest Hemingway - earlier in the year a Hemingway short-story manuscript was brought to light for the first time. Never published, never read, never even known about, and apparently very humorous, if artistically undeveloped. The estate, however, has refused to allow the manuscript to be published and read despite the rabid interest of Hemingway's devoted, obsessive fan-base. They argue that it is not the author at his best. It is from his younger days when he is still trying to find his voice, and therefore it is not comparable with his greatest works (i.e. For Whom The Bell Tolls, The Sun Also Rises, etc.). To this, we the staff of Dominion of Cool can only stand, gaping with shock and horror as one of America's great literary voices is silenced and censored - by his own fucking family!
4. American Idol - every night in my dreams I kill every single person associated with this wicked show - contestants, hosts, judges, writers, and yes even the viewers. This is what Conrad referred to as "the fascination of the abomination." This is reeking gases escaping from the putrid, mangled corpse of American entertainment culture.
5. Bono - because I really hate this man. In a career that has lasted some twenty or more years now, he has managed a handful of decent songs (if that) amidst the backdrop of single after single that is mediocre, obnoxious, and quite overblown among music fans desperate to believe that rock music is somehow still drawing breath in today's world. To say that U2 is a mediocre band is to allow them a generosity I'm not certain they deserve, but I'll allow it simply because I'm benevolent. But consider that every song Bono's ever written/sang has sounded exactly like every other song Bono has ever written/sang. Not to mention these songs are shamelessly eighties pop, which was never cool even when bands like Duran Duran, INXS, Bon Jovi and ABBA were still free to call themselves "artists," let alone throughout the 90's and now shamelessly on into the new millenium. Still singing 80's pop. Still using the aggrevating "voice echo" feature that was the staple of our least talented, easily forgettable 80's bands. And their infuriating new song "Vertigo" which has been happily handed over by the band to Big Brother and force fed down our throats over and over again by innumerable commercials, television and radio. Creative lyrics at least ... "Hello, hello. Ola." Fuck you, Bono. Your nomination to the Rock hall of fame this year is a farce, a travesty, and a wretched, wretched folly that could only be committed by today's loathsome MTV idea of good entertainment.
Well there's the lists, chums. And just for fun, here's one more quickie:
Freak of the Year:
1. John Edwards' sideways mouth. (Note - its not the man being nominated here, its his freakish mouth that opens and closes sideways, rather than up and down)
2. Drew Carrey - the apparent favorite to take over Kilborn's late night spot. Showed he's still a fucking freak of nature when he guest-hosted and revealed that his meatball shaped head continues to grow at alarming rates, his glasses are still bigger than Aretha Franklin's boobs, and his hair has now been grown out longer and inexplicably bleached. Fuck you, Drew.
3. Tom Brady - still a freak with a weird shaped face, a freakishly large mouth, horse teeth, and an infuriating habit of wearing a winter hat at all times.
4. Hillary Clinton - don't deny this. Be honest!!
5. The creators of Comedy Central's "Reno 911" - perhaps the least funny television show on these days (possible exception of Will and Grace) - but even if there are less funny shows, none are as freakish and baffling as this one.
6. Molly Shannon - she will never fall off this list as long as she still draws breath on this planet.
7. Bruce Springstein - still not a rockstar. Still barely a popstar. Still looking ridiculous in his tight jeans, sounding ridiculous with his horribly afflicted vocals, and still writing painful music.
8. Opera - she's fat, she's ugly, her shows are bullshit. Hence, she's a freak.
9. Jerry Sullivan - an angry little poindexter who thrives on getting his angry little poindexter followers pissed off at whomever he happens not to like.
10. Christina Aguilera - didn't think anyone could ever dethrown Madonna as having the least to offer society in any respect whatsoever. But Christina is making a strong bid.
Leave a comment and vote. In fact, I'm gonna have Puff Daddy start a new "Vote or Die" campaign, so if you do not vote for your picks in the respective lists, you will be killed by Diddy, and you will rot in hell.
A Presto, boonfellows! Do not forsake me, I know not what I do!
posted by Il Pazzo @ 6:16 PM
1 Comments:
At 5:24 PM,
Kris said…
Opera? do u mean Oprah?
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