The Wasteland

First Debate "Post-Game Report" Ala Sherry

Kerry swiped this one hands down. Not even a question. Bush had an oppurtunity to end this race tonight - put Kerry out of it for good. But he did not, and Kerry not only survives to fight another day but puts himself in a much improved situation. Kerry supporters take heart - your guy has salvaged his declining image and reasserted himself as a legitimate candidate.

Now ... why?

First Bush's faults - basically he's a stuttering, stammering fool at times. Is it necessary to take long, drawn out pauses to consider one's words when one's words wind up being "good things" or "mexed missages" (which, I assume, was his way of saying "mixed messages"). Those of us (and I am one of them) who love the english language and have devoted our lives to working eloquently within it are forced to sit here in literal pain and anguish when this man speaks off the script. Did anyone ever see "The Score" with DeNiro and Ed Norton - where Norton spends half the movie playing a mentally disabled janitor? Bush speaks the way Norton did in that part. Or perhaps a more familiar example for some - My Cousin Vinny. Remember that nervous, stuttering idiot of a lawyer that defends the one kid before he ditches him for Pesci? Again - Bush speaks the same way. That said, Bush is no idiot. A very intelligent man, and a man of very strong, defined convictions - but a terribly inept speaker. No, a horrifically incapable speaker.

What Kerry did right - Simply put, the difference in this debate was eloquence. Eloquence. Kerry has it. He is an articulate, if boring, speaker. Some have said he's the best debator since Cicero. Well, lets try to keep things in the realm of reality here. He's no Cicero. Indeed, who is? But he's damn good, and his talents seem all the greater when seen being employed against a mumbling stuttering incumbant such as GW. And yet Kerry did not stop at simple articulation tonight. For perhaps the first time since his party selected him to represent them he seemed positively commanding, confident, and unshakable. Presedential even. As a man who is voting for Bush based largely on Kerry's glaring shortcomings, I can say here that my respect for the challenger has grown significantly after tonight - though of course not enough to change my vote as of yet. (If I vote at all, cause who gives a fuck) - here's where people get psuedo-indingnat and say "Ahh! Don't say things like that! Voting for the wrong guy is better than not voting at all!" I dispute that position for obvious reasons. And I dispute what Puff Daddy and all them are doing out there right now - saying "Just Vote" as if it was that trivial. Just fuckin vote. You don't know much about the issues or the candidates? Ah fuck it, just vote. Allow me to enlighten - the best way to get an even more fucked up government than ours is to encourage a generation of grunge/punk/hip-hop meatheads to "just vote."

But Kerry won this one, and he's kept his ass in the race, maybe even strongly improved his position.

That said, as always - FUCK POLITICS!

I'd like to make everyone aware that the Eternal Mumbach has been hired as a car salesman at between 30 and 40 thousand a year. AKA - he's rich now and you'll all back me up when I say he better buy a lot of rounds at the bar. Its only fair. But congratulations to Big Bobbalouie. Now every time someone says to you "I'm thinking of getting a new car," you say in your best Mugsy Boges - "Hey, you need a car, I got a guy."

Who would have thought a book that is narrated by a hermaphrodite who was "born twice" and is telling the three-generation story of his Greek family that started out with a brother and sister marrying each other would be a good book? Not me. But its a page turner. For those of you who are interested in incestuous, sex-altering, sexually ambiguous greek immigrants - the book is called "Middlesex" by Geoffrey Eugenides (By the way, it bugs the fuck out of me that you can't type in Italics on this goddamned blog).

Is anyone else tired of watching television's "sentimental cross-generational" meetings of young and old artists? Run DMC meets LL Cool J. Lionell Richie meets a bunch of younger "hip" negroes (which group I have no fuckin clue). Some old country bitch riding in a car with some young country bitch. And it goes on. I'm tired of it. First of all these "legends of yesterday" are certainly no legends - not that big in their own time, and even less "big" now. And the young artists they meet - well, perfect examples of how the term "artist" is tossed around far too casually in our culture. And no - the meetings are neither impressive, nor sentimental.

While I'm on it - I fuckin hate VH1 and E! I am so tired of shows that feature celebrities everyone thought was dead or "celebrities" nobody knew existed talking as if they are authorities on some subject or another. The most recent I've previewed (and subsequently turned off with nary a hesitation) is E! doing the "101 Most Memorable SNL Moments." The memorable moments were certainly memorable, and certainly hilarious and entertaining. The only disappointment stemmed from the fact that we the viewer were not permitted to actually VIEW THEM. There were fifty or sixty specimins of today's pathetic attempts at "celebritism" talking about these skits, but they wouldn't show the fucking skit! They'd show pictures of it. They might even show you a single line from it, such as Chris Farley asking Paul McCartney "Remember when you said the love you make is equal to the love you take?" But that would be it. Nothing more. All you'd see from that point on was Weird Al Yankovic and other strange and terrible people talking about the first time they saw the skit, or what the people in the skit said, or why they thought it was funny. These types of shows are NOT INTERESTING, they are AGGREVATING, and above all they are COMPLETELY INSULTING!!!

I'm going to die this winter. I want you all to know that. No Sabres hockey means the most important driving factor behind my existence has been stolen from me. Without it I am hardpressed to find reasons to live. In all likelihood I will drown my sadness away in books and booze like usual, and with no hockey to temper my destructive spins I will pass quickly and irretrievably into depression, anger, misery, and finally death. But not before I've taken Gary Bettman down first for fucking up hockey very badly over the last ten years. Evil, evil man!

Futurama is the best show on TV. The Simpsons no longer captivate, they've been around too long. South Park has lost its simple humor and has grown less funny as it tries to take on large, complicated issues - still hilarious though, don't get me wrong. And I've just seen too much Family Guy to care anymore til the new ones come out. So what does that leave? And by the way I feel a certain kinship to some of the characters in Futurama - the professor with his random, unprovoked, inexplicable fits of anger, Fry with his simple stupidity bordering on insanity at times, and Bender with his many, many admirable characteristics - arrogance, lies, anger, hard drinking, robot. (Yes, I am a robot - don't act like that surprises you).

Enough. This will be one of the final blogs - it is hopelessly aggrevating and disheartening to spend an hour or more writing these blogs to find that nobody gives a shit. It is no longer a simple amusement - its a time consuming burden. So, as I always say about everything - FUCK IT!!




A Presto




Il Pazzo

Fireside Chat

Ah, election years. Now the republicans are crying that the forged documents are some vast conspiracy by the democrats. Come on. They were so pissed off when Kerry's camp said the swift boat adds were a result of Bush's campaign, but what do they do? They turn right around and say this maniac (who says he got the documents from some mysterious mexican woman) deserves investigation because it was likely part of a plot by Kerry's people. This is part of why I hate politics.

This is another part - after watching Kerry give speeches the past two days, I am completely convinced it will take a miracle for him to win the election. And why? He's cutting his own throat. He has three problems - 1. He blasts Bush to no end while whining and bitching like a fucking baby if anyone says anything about him, 2. He says he has an entirely different plan than Bush and will "do everything differently"...but never explains it. He just says he's got it. And finally, 3. He makes fantastic, undeliverable promises constantly (rather funny promises by the way).
The first - Take today for instance. A speech that went on for almost an hour did little aside from attack Bush and his "fantasy world" (and I quote). He played, as usual, to the majority of what comprises his backing - namely the anti-Bush crowd, which is not necessarily the pro-Kerry crowd by the way. From the beginning his campaign plan has been simple - attack, attack, attack! And I do not contend that there is anything wrong with that. A hell of a lot of people hate Bush passionately, and a candidate that can make use of that should. I certainly would. The problem is that he dishes, but cries when they give it back to him. Even as I type this, Kerry just used his two favorite words to describe Bush - "lies and deceit." Sooner or later he'll get around to his other favorite..."killer." Yet if he's called a "flip flopper" (which he is, and his own record will dispute any argument against that assertion) he cries. He has a commercial airing across the country now that firstly attacks Bush because we're dying in a misguided war, and then says - "and in the midst of these trying times the President chooses to release a juvenile and tasteless attack add against John Kerry." Boo fuckin hoo.
The second - Self-explanatory. Listen to any of his speeches. They all go something like this. "The President has made misguided, incorrect decisions on every matter. As President I will not do one thing differently, I will do everything differently." But that's it. No explanation.
Finally, the third - This is my favorite one. The wild "Kerry-guarentees" that sound so good - how could you not vote for him? Just two quick examples. He promises, as president, to "end bigotry" and "make America independent of Mid-East oil." Really? No shit. Those would be some very good changes - changes that would quickly and sweepingly rid the country of problematic issues that thousands of politicians throughout history have been unable to remedy. But as he says, "I know what needs to be done, and I have a plan to do it."

Enough politics. I discuss it only from a very amused perspective, though unfortunately far too many people will read it and get angry and offended. It disheartens me that this country can be so fuckin touchy and sensitive about its political beliefs. People on both sides are fuckin idiots - who gives a shit what you believe? Have a sense of humor about it. Here's a fuckin news flash...you don't know shit, I don't know shit, nobody knows shit. We get all opinionated and passionate about things, and why? Its ridiculous.

Funny story - I had the swell misfortune of waking up at five-thirty in the morning today. I'd only been sleeping for maybe four hours, it was pitch-black outside, and of course it was freezing. But I was up cause I had to be in East Aurora to work by 7. So I peel myself off the couch (which is where I sleep these days) and head upstairs to my bedroom to get dressed. Then I head to the bathroom and start shaving. Halfway through shaving it hits me - I don't work until 3! The 7am shift is tomorrow! I'm fuckin brilliant!! So I casually finished shaving, got back into my Adidas shorts and old navy shirt, and headed back to the couch for several more hours of sleep. My conclusions? - Yes, I'm a complete idiot, and yes I was angry about getting up in the dark and cold, but there was a bright side. This should happen more often. It was nothing short of bliss when I climbed back under the covers and realized I could sleep as late as I wanted.

Speaking of the new job, however - I just found out that not only did the Eternal Mumbach get this job for me...he will also be training me. There is something very surreal about this whole adventure. First, I'm getting paid ten bucks an hour to work an easy job. Second, my work load includes walking around a plant once an hour and then sitting in an office doing whatever the hell I want the rest of the time. And third, my training (at least for today and tomorrow) will be done by none other than the Eternal himself. Let me put it more bluntly - I will be getting paid ten bucks an hour to walk around and hang out in an office with Mumbach. What a great job.

Some things I've learned since beginning classes at UB:
1. Graduate students are a collection of all the geeks, poindexters, and loud-mouths that there were one or two of in each class at the undergrad level. Now its a class full of them!
2. There is so much pompous, pointless shit that "intellectuals" pretend to be interested in.
3. I really hate the way asian people speak the english language. Uggh. Its grating. Sends shivers down my spine.
4. Parking at SBU was only a very mild problem ... though of course security was far more happy to give tickets at SBU than at UB (knock on wood)

Bills' coach Mike Mularkey apparently sees a silver lining from the first two losses. Really? What is it? That we only lost by three? That our offense has moved up from ranked 30th (last season) to 29th (so far this season)? Those are great positives. But hey. I'm sure we'll beat the living shit out of New England when we play them next Sunday, right?

People I'm putting out contract hits on:
1. Travis Henry
2. Justin Timberlake (but Mike, he's so fuckin cool!) Well, he's also gonna be dead soon, so forget him.
3. Drew Carey
4. The people who produce and direct McDonalds commercials
5. Julia Roberts (she's too ugly and annoying, I just can't take her anymore)

Why Star Wars is better than Lord of the Rings:
1. Obi Wan would beat the shit out of Gandolf
2. Luke would beat the shit out of Froto
3. Who does Luke keep as company on his journeys? Han Solo, Chewbacca, and crazy Leia. What company does Froto keep? Fat Samwise Gamgee and a maniacal creature that talks to himself.
4. The bad guys? Darth Vader and the Emperor vs. A White Wizard and a giant eye. Not even close.
5. Storm troopers with blasters vs. orcs.
6. Light sabres vs. Gandolf's staff. Give me a break.
7. Death Stars, Star Destroyers, Hyperdrive, Cloud City, Laser Guns, Jabba the Hutt, Yoda, Millenium Falcon, the Force, and Ee-woks... vs. ... hobbits, dwarves, elves, orcs, swords, Viggo Mortenson, jewelry, Orlando Bloom, wizards, talking trees, etc.

Okay? Are we agreed? Not even a competition.

Enough. I've wasted my own time again. I'd apologize for wasting your time, only nobody reads so I've got nobody to apologize to. But, in the unlikely event that somebody did read this - LEAVE A FUCKING MESSAGE.

A Presto



Il Pazzo

The Travelling Circus

Just wanna run some statistics by you really quick.

Vs. Oakland
Drew Bledsoe sacked - 7
Travis Henry "almost-fumbles" - 2
Travis Henry dropped passes - 3
Travis Henry dropped passes that lead to interceptions - 1
Travis Henry loses his footing - 3
Travis Henry TD's from 1 yd out - 0
Eric Moulds dropped passes - 4
Campbell dropped passes - 1
Reed dropped passes - 2
Holding penalties negating huge kick returns - 2
Take-aways - 0
Carries by Willis McGahee - A whopping 2
Drew Bledsoe losing his temper as a result of his offense's massive incompetence - 0
Drew Bledsoe losing his temper as a result of his own stupidity for not throwing the ball out of bounds - 0
Catches by Lee Evans - 1 (out of desperation at the end of the game - and it worked!)

"Control the ball" style offense:
Run on 2nd and 19 - gains three yards
Run on 3rd and 18 - gains no yards
Run on 2nd and 24 - gains one yard

Through 2 games:
Bills TD's - 2
Total points - 20
Shots down the field - 1 (at end of game, out of desperation to Lee Evans - and it worked!! Imagine that!)
Travis Henry TD's on runs from inside the five - 0
Games lost 13-0 - 2

No need for commentary here. Everything listed above speaks for itself. All I can submit to Bills fans is the following - last season we started off amazingly for the first two games and then had a long, shitty season. It might be worth considering that this season we have started off terribly for the first two games - maybe it will turn into a high-paced, dominating season. That wouldn't be my guess, however. Just saying.

If this game should teach us anything its this - Our defense is OVERRATED. They rack up impressive statistics against mediocre offenses, but they never seem to come up big when you need them to. Point being - the offense is nothing more than a travelling circus, and the defense is good, but not THAT good. Still waiting, by the way, for Mularkey's offensive genius to make itself felt. I have faith in him, don't get me wrong, but still waiting to see it at this point. (Ten straight seasons of a swiss-cheese offensive line, by the way - maybe we oughta fix that someday)

Personally, I'm not asking for much. I've suffered through a lot of losing Sabres seasons and Bills seasons, and I've lived with it. But its safe to say that at the moment, I HATE this Bills team passionately. Reason being, they give you nothing to cheer about. They screw up something on nearly every play - very aggrevating. Not only that, but they don't just lose - they lose sloppy, boring games. When was the last time we had cause to cheer for our football team in this city? I can't even remember. Well fuck it.


Nothing else to say. That's it for this blog. Travis Henry makes me puke.



A Presto




Il Pazzo

Twilight of an Era

Stop for a minute. Hold your breath and stab anyone that won't shut up. We need absolute silence here. Now...do you hear that? Its the sound of the feintest of taps being played somewhere off in the distance. Yes, as you may have begun to suspect when you found you were no longer able to smell the stench of "the man" and "billion dollar corporations" as strongly on me, my time with Keybank is drawing rapidly to a close. It is true. No longer able to juggle the responsibilities of peddling a bank's deposit, credit, and loan accounts and reading a thousand pages a week for UB's english program, I have slammed the front cover sharply down over the pages of this action-packed but fruitless and entertainment-starved chapter of my life and pointed my chisled body in the direction of other adventures. So long to KEO accounts and IRA accounts and demand deposit products. So long to a million computer programs, CBD, Hogan, TCS, and Lotus Notes among them. So long to stacked floors with seas of cubicles and boring, monotonous "office humor." So long to team goals, percentages, and statistics. So long to customers speaking different languages, or customers who don't understand a word you say, or customers who blame you for all their wordly problems and bad credit and bankruptcy. In the undying words of Heinz Kerry...SHOVE IT, KEYBANK CALL CENTER!

So what's next? Well, nothing's definite as of this very moment, but I had to write a blog today, and sense all of this is in the realm of "very likely to occur," I figured I'd just speak about it as if it were fact, since odds are it won't matter in another 24 hours. There's a small chance I may still be a Keybank employee tomorrow, but a much larger chance I won't be. But thanks to the eternal Mumbach, I have been offered a job working security at the prestigious Moog. Moog has always reminded me of the Boston Bruins' old goaltender, Andy Moog, and now I will be working for this famously named company, keeping it safe and protecting it from the hordes that threaten it. In other words, I will be being paid ten dollars an hour to spend some little time pacing the plants, and some more time sitting in an office doing homework or whatever else I fancy. Ten dollars an hour for THAT? Too good to be true. And certainly too good to pass up.

The story of how I got the job is really more interesting than the job itself. As I mentioned, I was referred to the position by the eternal Mumbach, who holds the same position. Interestingly enough, it was Michael himself who conspired to bring about the firing of the individuals who previously held the job, later contacting me to inform me of this fact and point out that it was ripe for the plucking. I wasted no time in placing the right phone calls to the right people, and no sooner had this been accomplished then I was being invited to apply and "interview." Its this latter part that is really the most interesting aspect of all of this. You see, as I stepped into the building for my meeting a strange thing happeend - somewhere in the background the Salt n' Peppa song "What a Man" started playing very loudly, and as I walked slowly toward the office with a confident smile on my face, people kept coming up to me to shake my hand and give me high fives or bump fists. It was, all things considered, an incredible entrance, and I think the lady knew before I put pen to paper that she was going to have to hire me.

What does all this mean? It means A - less money, B - less benefits (and by less I mean "no benefits at all", and C - loss of a good resume builder. But, on the flipside, it also means A - good money for doing almost nothing, B - good money to basically get school work done, C - More available time during the week for school work, D - I may actually get to have a social life, though it will remain very small and practically non-existant (but this is still better than entirely non-existant), and finally E - I may not go right out of my head. It may yet be possible to salvage some strain of human decency and self-control, which would allow me to also retain some small shred of a sense of self-preservation, and maybe then...and again, I only say "maybe"...maybe then I will not go back to drinking a bottle of whiskey a night, punching holes in walls, and waving razor sharp steak knifes in front of my face. And that would be a good thing - like just the slightest splash of wine in the sphagetti sauce while its still cooking (I add this last bit as an after thought, because it is a good thing when you do that to the sauce You can't even taste it, but you know its there, and its the knowing that makes it a good thing).

Leave your comments, chums. Nothing like the profound advice (or ceaseless, directionless spewings as it were) of a man's good coadjutors to make him feel like his blog really means something (or doesn't). Lets me know I'm not wasting my time and somebody's actually reading (though, as always, I'm sure nobody is). But seriously...leave a comment or I'll kill myself, but not until after I've killed you first and burned your whole family. Nah, I'm just joking (maybe). But until next time, I leave you with this advice...vote for John Kerry - as president he promised to "end bigotry."

And bully for the eternal Mumbach for coming through in the clutch.



A Presto...



Il Pazzo

Classic Buffalo

Ah, the Bills. Things never change. Its so refreshing to see how reliable they can be. They NEVER disappoint my expectations.

1. "Control the ball" style offense. They say words can serve you if you let them, and that's exactly what we do here in this wonderful city. What we really mean when we say our offense is designed to "control the ball" is that we're not even going to try to put points on the board. Instead we're gonna play conservatively and cowardly and hope that our defense can stop the other team's offense. What can you say to that logic? You could say Drew Bledsoe, Travis Henry, Willis McGahee, Eric Moulds, Lee Evans. But they won't hear that. All they'll hear is "no, we don't wanna take stupid chances. Let's control the ball."

2. Want to know when I called the loss? As soon as we ran the ball on third and ten after the holding penalty. End of the game, only up by four, and we won't even "risk" throwing for a first down. We'd rather run when we know we ain't gonna get it. So by being conservative and avoiding the "risk" we've really just introduced ourselves to knew risks, namely that we're gonna have to kick a field goal. So I said before the play, "if we run here, we'll lose the game." And what happened? But moving on...now we have a new risk to worry about. The "risk" that we might miss the field goal. Yes, that's a risk. So we decide, being the Buffalo Bills, that we're not going to take this risk either. We're going to play conservatively to avoid the risk. Because of course! You can't miss a field goal if you don't kick one in the first place!! It's brilliant! So we take an intentional delay of game and "play for field position" - again allowing words to serve us, cause what we really mean is "we're huge pussies" - and punt the ball. So what happens. They get the ball on the twenty instead of the thirty-three. Our "risk avoidance" has beautifully pinned the Jaguars a whopping thirteen yards back. What could possibly go wrong?

3. In Buffalo we have this terrible habit of missing the bigger picture and finding a scape goat. Tomorrow the scape goat will be Nate Clements for allowing the receiver to make the long grab on fourth down. And he should take some of the heat, because he misplayed it. But the point is, we put ourselves into these situations over and over and over again, every year, and then when one person makes an inevitable mistake we crucify them and blame them because we don't want to admit that there is much bigger problems. Its so much easier to say "its that guy's fault. We'd win if it wasn't for him." And tomorrow we'll say "if it wasn't for Clements we would have won." Just like Bledsoe was the fall guy all last year. But every season I hope we'll wake up and address the real problems anyway, maybe I'm just an optimist.

4. Finally - the big picture is this...Buffalo lacks the killer instinct. Buffalo, as a team AND as a city, has this massive chip on its shoulder. This underdog disposition where we expect bad things will happen. But instead of fighting the odds and saying "we're gonna go for it, win or lose," we always think, "no, we just have to be careful," and wind up outthinking ourselves. We all like to think we're doing the smart thing by toning down the offense and "controlling the ball." We pat ourselves on the back and say, "yah, it might not be exciting, but it'll do us good in the long run and that makes us smart." But we're not smart. We're fucking morons. Anyone notice that we sucked all game? Maybe we did lose it in the final second on the final play, but we were playing a mediocre team. We were playing "conservative" and "controlling the ball" against a mediocre team with a bad quarterback. New England will kill us when they play us, and why? Because they are so much better? Because they are loaded with big stars and tremendous athletes? No. They will kill us because they have what we do not have. A strong, passionate, driving, undeterable WILL TO WIN FOOTBALL GAMES AT ANY COST. It is this attitude which drives them, which pushes them to exceed, to excell, and to win, while we sit here in Buffalo and say, "it would be much smarter to run on 3rd and ten for no gain and then punt the ball rather then trying to actually win a game." And I'm glad we lost. If we'd have won that game, we would have done so undeservingly, but Buffalo would be rejoicing, forgetting all the stupid fucking things we did, and we'd come out next game playing the same bullshit style. By the way, we'll come out next game playing the same bullshit style anyway and we'll spend the entire week saying "Oh, if Clements would have just knocked that ball down we would have won." But that's Buffalo for you. Its not just the team, its the fans. Its the whole fucking dead, putrid area. And on top of everything else it stinks like shit. Pewww.

Leave a comment, band leaders. And feel free to kick people's dogs and steal candy from babies. Its okay. I do it.

Il Pazzo

Dizzy Vibrations

Let me tell you why I enjoy this blog so much. When I was a little girl growing up in the Amazon, I used to sit for hours and scratch pictures of moon pies and whale sharks into the gathering dust every morning. Of course, I couldn't know it then, but it was in many ways an expression of my inner struggle for expression; that little voice inside of me trying to make itself heard over the lion's roar and the zebra's smacking its lip after a fresh kill. And so when I'd see American tourists I'd run up to them, draped in my nicest loin cloth, and beg them for transportation to the land where dreams come true...America. When the tourist would run away screaming, or throw a handful of change in my face and shout, "You'll never take me alive, demon!" I realized I would never be free of this jungle wasteland unless I tried something drastic. So I found a barge that was bound for the States one day and I attached myself to the side of it with a glue stick. My first experience in my new home was of catching an old episode of Happy Days, and it was at that moment I began a lifelong obsession with Tom Bosley. The emotion, the passion, and above all the expression that literally dripped off the man like blood from a Zebra's fangs was something I had never seen before, and I knew at that moment that I would be an actor. As the years went by I developed an appreciation for many other masters of the craft - Don Knotts, Patrick Swayze, Jaleel White, Abe Bigoda, as well as others. But my dream would never be realized. No, I was shot down, time after time, like a whale shark. And though it hurt me through every fiber of my being, to the point where I had to eat bran muffins just to get more fiber, I gradually came to accept my fate and look for something else. It was, after all, America. The land where dreams come true. And so it was that I started this blog. Finally, that poet in the desert - that screaming, screetching maniac inside me - would be heard. No longer would the bear's growl or the venus fly trap's cackle overwhelm and silence that which must be given voice. And that is why I enjoy this blog so much.

The news sucks. Seriously. For instance, today you will see one of two things: the hurricane and Bill Clinton's heart. And this is because the news operates under the idea that it must always have a BIG STORY!! So things that shouldn't be the BIG STORY!! get forced into one. The hurricane - its a big story, granted, but not a BIG STORY!! It shouldn't be forced. But they spend hours saying "the winds are crazy and there's a lot of damage," and we sit here going, "no shit, I fuckin know that." And Bill Clinton's heart - come the fuck on. They were actually doing a bit where they used diagrams to describe the type of surgery he's gonna have. Bullshit. Nobody wants to turn on the TV and watch hours and hours worth of Bill Clinton being in the hopsital getting heart surgery. Its enough to say, "He's in there, he's getting surgery," and leave it at that. But whatever. Fuck the news.

In other TV news - Seinfeld is a great show, granted, but has anyone else noticed that its on 12 hours a day? In fact, as I'm writing this, the TV is showing an eight episode marathon. And it will be on again at 5:30, 6:00, and I think 7 and 7:30 as well. And then again later at like, I don't know, 10 or 10:30 or some shit. But can you really blame TV for showing it so much? When you have over a hundred stations of astronomical bullshit and pompous buffoonery, it makes sense to play to the handful of good programs that are actually worth watching. Too bad Tom Bosley hasn't done anything new lately. The man is an artist.

Harriet Winslow's voice from Family Matters was so fucking annoying.

Though Hunter S. Thompson is the default icon of "psuedo-artistic" punks everywhere who think they are king shit because they've seen Fear and Loathing, I have temporarily overcome my predjudice to begin reading his very first novel, The Rum Diaries. There were rumors at one point that Johnny Depp was being recruited to turn this book into a film, and though these rumors have completely evaporated, I decided I must engage the book nonetheless in the event that these rumors were to resurface and find their way to fruition. So far, after three pages, I can say it looks pretty good. But...let me clarify...I am no "psuedo-artistic" punk. Though I am king shit.

Speaking of such punks, however, my UB classes are driving me crazy. Remember those smartass kids in your undergraduate classes...the ones who talked constantly, and responded to everything the teacher said? The ones who spoke slowly and added a lot of "aah's, and uum's" because this obviously means they are thinking very hard about how best to put their words? And they used their hands to enunciate everything? Well, my classes are fool of these assholes. They come in, dressed strangely, hair in any manner of bizzare style, ugly ass shoes, and they think they are paragons of intellectual prowess. So...out of sheer spite and hostility...out of sheer fear and loathing, as it were...I've taken great pleasure in rolling into class in jeans and a t-shirt and a pair of shades. And I sit there, chewing on my pen, and when I talk I make sure I say things like "aint" and "nah".

Macy Gray playing twenty-four hours a day, and her ugly mug plastered over walls everywhere - this is my vision of hell.

Too many Sex in the City commercials. And I swear to god, if I hear that old bitch saying "Who we are in bed is who we are in life" one more time, I'm going to track her down and staple her mouth shut. What a fuckin line. Can someone explain that to me? Its pointless. Its bullshit. And she says it as if its the most obvious thing in the world. What if I were to say, "Who we are when we're neck deep in a rice patty is who we are in life"...wouldn't that be equally as legitimate?

Alright, pallies - that's enough of this trash for one day. Leave a message. I'm serious. Take two seconds and write something. And tell your friends about this blog, it can change their lives!! But for now...

A Presto...

Il Pazzo