Reflexes Got the Better of Me

Well, this is the first blog in some time. You'd think I'd have a lot of meaningful things to write about, but no. Nothing really. I'd just like to start out by saying people's away messages are really fucking irritating. I'm going to pause from writing this for a moment and collect a few samples that are currently showing on my buddy list.

not home, try the celly

around

shower and dinner

seeking sanity

Now, which of the above is the best? Let us consider.
"Not home, try the celly" - On a scale of one to ten, we must assign this a four. It has gone far enough to at least let us know that the individual is not home, and it has further notified us that we may reach them by calling their celly. However, points must be subtracted from the total because the away message does not specify "where" "what" or "why." And of course, these things can always be overlooked in the event that the away message is remotely creative, however as this one is not - the points must fall. So again, four.
"around" - I have to admit. It is a personal conviction that people who leave this away message should be run (screaming like sissies) into the ocean. This message accomplishes nothing. It wastes my time to read, and it wastes your time to write it. You are awarded zero points, and you are additionally notified that your residency on the planet earth is no longer desired.
"shower and dinner" - specifics are sometimes a good thing. However, the individual is so lazy...so profoundly and astronomically lazy...that on top of leaving a message devoid of any creativity or originality, they also would not even take the time to capitalize the first letter of the message. If it had read "Shower and dinner" we could have given this message as high as, say, five points. However, the situation being what it is, this message receives a paltry three points for lack of creativity and for infuriating laziness.
"seeking sanity" - let me begin with the negatives on this one. It is brief. It is lazy. It is not capitalized. However, this away message receives a point total of seven. I will now take a moment to allow all of you "not here" "around" and "busy" people to gasp in shock and indignation....................are you done?..............okay, let me continue. The reason for this score is simple...the person has left a message that is remotely creative, mildly original, and at the same time offers a touch of personal information without giving away the whole show. Now, of course, these scores are all relative. In a perfect world, "seeking sanity" would be a point or two at best on a ten point scale, but the AIM world is what it is, and we must adjust accordingly. The lamentable truth is that this message stands above, even if only slightly, the drivel and bullshit left by ninety-five percent of you.

So, what have we learned? You should all be ashamed of yourself. I'm certainly ashamed of you.

Moving on...

I always make a point of addressing all requests in this blog. Its my committment to the reader. My gaurentee that I will work for you if you take the time to read this bullshit. Its my way of showing appreciation and saying thankyou. As it turns out, there were two requests made for my "next blog" which happens to be this one, and I will make good on my committment and discuss both of them.

1. "Mike, you have to remember sleeper-blasting for your blog." And I have done so. I am making an official announcement here - the entertaining and terrible world of drunk hookups has now expanded to include this new term, invented by the esteemed Mr. Barnashuk. It seems the hero of this strange tale mysteriously awoke to find himself two knuckles deep and "sucking tit." He claims no memory of how the sequence of events was initiated. He is baffled by the fact that he was sleeping one moment, and doing evil things to a girl the next. Nevertheless, he is appropriately proud of himself for designating the term "sleeper blasting" to his deed.
My thoughts - this is just another invention by the same creative (sometimes dangerously insane) mind that brought us such names as "forgetful grapejuice," and who showed us that vodka can indeed be lapped up out of a bowl on the floor like a dog. In a gray world of monotony and drivel, it is individuals like this that keep things a little more interesting.

2. "I think you should address the growing trend of personal training in an increasingly obese culture." And so I will. I think its a double-edged blade. It is an invaluable asset to a culture that is growing fatter and more disgusting than Kirstie Alley to have easy access to personal training. If you find yourself alone and surrounded by relative quiet, just try this...sit and listen for a few moments. If you sit long enough, and listen hard enough, and the wind is just right, you can actually hear the sweat dripping off the chubby foreheads of lazy Americans everywhere, and you can listen as it slides down the flappy necks, picking up grease as it goes, growing in size each second as it becomes less sweat, and more ooze. And minutes later - when it finally slimes its way down accross the man-boobs on men or horribly sagging bags of glucose on women - you can listen as it plummets to the ground and splatters (like a whale dropped over a cliff) in every direction. If this country did not have personal trainers, we'd probably die out as a species, because some of us would get so disgustingly massive and sluggish, we'd collapse under our own weight - and those of us with the motivation to keep in shape would suffocate to death as our atmosphere became clouded with the pungant and toxic odors of the dead. - but, Mike! Didn't you say its a double-edged blade? - Yes, I'm coming to that. The readily available services of personal training is, as I said, an invaluable tool to the truly motivated. Unfortunately, to the insufferably unmotivated, it is merely another comfort zone afforded to their expanding midsections. It is a device by which they can comfort themselves..."sure, I'm getting out of shape, but its only because I've been busy with (fill in the blank). Someday I'll have time to get back in shape, and when that time comes I can easily go see a personal trainer and they'll make an athletic machine out of me. A paragon of physical prowess." Unfortunately, we all know the fates of these people...they are the "one day" legions, the "when I get a chance" mob, if you will. Sadly, the availability of personal training services is (to these people - which happens to be most of our pathetic society, unfortunately) an excuse for them to keep getting fatter. "I don't have to go out running, or bike riding, or anything. I'll just go see a personal trainer this summer after school is over." Yah. Right. If I had a dollar for every person who said "I'm gonna get in shape this summer," I'd be a zillionaire.
Conclusion - Since my readers are intelligent, motivated people, and quintessential examples of elite human specimins, I encourage all of you to seek the services of a personal trainer - especially the one who asked me to discuss this topic. Even though I have an already chisled, flawless body from lifting weights and staying active, she has provided me with suggestions to become even more chisled and flawless, and all for a reasonable price. She can do the same for you.

And finally ... a little politics. This election is driving me out of my fucking mind. Its no longer about having an opinion. Its no longer about wanting one guy or the other. It has become a fucking playground bickering match between little kids. The candidates are pissing me off. The politicians are pissing me off. The media is pissing me off. And worst of all - the people of this country are fucking idiots! Here's a little inside for you - the candidates are not that different from each other, and no matter who wins, you're life is not going to change. Not even a little bit. Nobody's is. So stop all this talk about "taking America back" (Kerry-ites) and "keeping America strong" (Bushies). Pick your guy and shut the fuck up. Supporting a candidate is a freedom and a privledge, but it is not...repeat, it is NOT...an avid conviction by which we live and die, and by which we judge our peers, where you're either one of "us enlightened" or "one of those ignorant...". Bottom line is this...you don't know shit. I don't know shit. In the world of politics and government, what do you think you know? I got news - it aint shit. So pick your guy, support him, listen to what he says, tell others why you support him...but for fucks sake, stop with this passionate, black and white, right and wrong, fervant, all-encompassing, narrow-minded in the guise of open-minded bullshit.

And thankyou.

Well, this has been a long blog. Thankyou for reading. Of course, you probably didn't - you probably just skimmed through, and if that's the case, eat shit. And while you're eating shit, please take the two seconds to leave a comment.

Until next time - "...in the narrow end of the night, there is one set of streets I keep returning to, one dim mist of railroad rooms, and certain figures reappear, borderline ghosts." - DeLillo, Underworld

A Presto - Il Pazzo