Bacon and Eggs

Okay, first the republicans:
Bush gave his first speech since the beginning of the DNC today, and he was just as charming and articulate as usual (sarcasm). I kid you not...he actually stumbled over the word "had." As he hit the middle of his sentence, a blank expression came over his face and he stood at the podium in silence for several seconds before continuing, and sure enough, the next word out of his mouth was "had." Christ.

This is of course until he began speaking about the war on terror, and then his words came quickly and fluently. What are the implications of this? I won't speculate.

On the positive side of republican politics - Rudy Guliani had this to say on Michael Moore. "I don't need to be told about 911 by someone like Michael Moore, I lived it." (Paraphrase, I don't remember the exact wording).

Now the democrats:
A surprisingly lively speech by Kerry. He seemed almost - how should I say? - alive. And wow does he seem like a rocket scientist compared to his opponent. His words are fluent, moving, and articulate.

However...

The official statistic released following his speech indicates that he spent an entire two minutes discussing his 20 year Senatorial career. (By the way, his speech was fifty minutes long...hmm)
He pledged to "end bigotry" and make it so that "every American has a job." Pretty words, but if you were hoping to hear how he plans on doing these things, keep waiting.
He lamented the fact that some poor chump from Ohio (and I'm sure its a coincidence he picked that state) lost his job and his equipment was "packed up and sent thousands of miles away." Sucks? Fuck yah. But wait a minute - didn't Kerry vote for Nafta?
After four scathing personal attacks on the top four officials in the Bush administration (and I mean personal attacks, not a simple disagreement of issues) he made a direct plea to Mr. Bush that the election be kept clean and respectful. My question is this - how can a party that calls a man a liar and a killer (personal attacks) ask that Bush lay off the insults (for the record, when Bush says Kerry is a flip flopper, he's referring to his political history and this type of rhetoric is the nature of political elections. Calling someone a killer or a liar is something else altogether.)
And finally - it was a nice parade of Kerry's former Vietnam buddies who are supporting him, yet the case remains that most of them oppose him.

On the positive side of Democratic politics - Whatever the case may be - no matter what Kerry says, or even despite the fact that he took Botox/Manicure superfem for his running mate - he is an intelligent man, a brave man, and a good politician, and the country will be just fine if he wins.

Now...fuck politics.

Especially considering I was drinking my face off while most of the above was taking place. Am I awesome because I can get shitfaced and analyze politics at the same time? No. I'm an idiot.

People I'd like to either kill or hate-fuck...
Janeane Girafilo
Tom Brady (just kill though)
Julia Roberts
Christina Aguilera
Cokie Roberts (is she still alive anyway? Ah well, I hate her)

Rumors from the DNC - Ben Affleck and Kerry's daughter were "all over each other." Some bitch on Fox News asks - isn't she the one studying to be a doctor? The guy whose spreading the rumor responds..."Well, maybe she was administering an exam." Hey. What's funny is funny, am I right?

Today is day two of the three day bender before my job starts at Keybank. Possible trip to "free hour ala Hansley" at Mickey Rats, but probably not. Probably will just go shopping for several bottles at that huge grocery store sized liquor store over by Regal Cinema, and then sit in my basement and get completely off the rug, as it were. Tomorrow is the hootin-nanny at the Barnashuk farm. The question on everybody's minds - will Mumbach and Bob really get lucky? Well, I'm rooting for them. Here, I'll even suggest a pickup line...hmm, how about..."Can I eat your pussy?"

Did you know in a recent interview that Tom Brady - wearing his usual winter cap - said the following to a reporter who asked a question he didn't like:
"I bet you're the type of asshole who wouldn't even bother giving a guy a reach around while you're fuckin him."

I'm sorry, friends. I've completely rambled and wasted your time yet again. This compounded by the fact that probably nobody will read this, and all I've really done is waste my own time. But such is life, and such is my life, and I will continue to type this shit because...well...because it entertains me. So, until next Blog...later chums.

And in the eerie, beyond-the-grave words of long face Kerry..."I looooove New Hampshire!"

More Pearls

Is anybody reading these?

Today I bought a new CD for the first time in...well no, there was the ELO CD about a month ago...okay, but aside from that one this would have been the first CD in almost a year. And what did I choose to serve with the honor of this privledge? Of all the possibilities among the vast, vast racks of Media Play, which single musical compilation did I select? Van Morrison "The complete bang sessions." This was in light of the fact that "Van Morrison Greatest Hits Vol. 1" was not in stock...as usual...and I grew tired of waiting. My review? Excellent disc. No greatest hits, certainly, and only covering the years 67-68 when Morrison was fresh off the boat from Ireland and working for the "Bang" music label, but what the CD lacks in "complete career sampling" it makes up for in "concentrated early Morrison R&B, Blues, and Rock combined."

In other personal media news, I finished reading "Last Exit to Brooklyn" today...a decent book, but not even close to as fuckin "amazing" as people like to pretend it is. Just a lot of graphic sex (straight and homosexual) and violence. Little in the way of creative plot.

Still laughing over the fact that Carter said we've lost all credibility. Oh, Jimmy, you'd almost be adorable if you weren't just a complete waste of existence.

If I ever throw a bid back into the musical business, I think I will select the harmonica. Seriously. There are few instruments that are cooler than the harmonica in the right song, and I already play one of them. Alright, maybe I'll take the guitar, but the harmonica can't be too hard to learn, so maybe I'll do both at once. Lessons on the guitar and self-teaching on the harmonica. Or maybe I'm just fulla shit. Never can tell.

RoyMunsun45 informed me yesterday that 98% of Americans either use or have tried pot. Maybe not that much, but it'd have to be pretty damn close. And yet its still illegal. This from me, a non-user. Okay, I'll spill about this for a minute. What really gets me about this shit is not whether its legal or not cause frankly I could give a shit. What bugs me is that its kept illegal because people say "its a gateway drug." Well, if the survey is even close to accurate, then that should mean almost every American in the country should have been steered in the direction of harder shit because they've stood at the gates themselves. Come on. That's what's wrong with this fuckin country. Nobody is ever held accountable for anything. If some junky throws his life away on drugs, we say "it started with pot." Come on. It didn't start with pot. It started with said junky being a degenerate fuck who can't say when's enough and cares more about having a good time then anything else. Fuck a person like that. But not in this country. Oh no. Somebody's feeling are lible to get hurt if you try to hold anybody accountable. Always blame the other guy, right? Fuck that. Okay, well that's enough on this, cause like I said, it doesn't affect me one way or the other anyway.

Does it embarass any republicans that the party has set up a "war room" to refute what comes out of the democratic convention. Okay, everybody knows the left has got a big mouth and doesn't always dwell in the realm of fact, but its their fucking convention. Setting up a war room is exactly the type of radical behavior they themselves like to resort to. Its this type of shit that makes me refuse to associate with either party. You get two parties, meaning two big-money war machines that could care less about anything of real substance and would rather spend their time subverting everything the other one says. Guess what - your life aint gonna be any different whether its Bush or Kerry, If more people realized this maybe all the whining and crying in this country could stop for five minutes and give us all a little time to breath. Then again, it does make for interesting news. Just hope that Cheney doesn't have his fiftieth heart attack and (god, oh god, please god, please, please, please) don't let Edwards' nails get screwed up at his next manicure. Yes, by the way, it is true...Edwards has his nails done. Oh, and he's always with the botox (or however you spell that).

Alright, I'm gonna wrap this up so I can go grab a juicy burger and some fries and eat it in front of a starving homeless person. So until next time, so long, and in the words of Michael Moore - "I'm a fuckin dipshit."

Is this bastard working?

"the vile" (my computer) does not seem to be posting these things correctly. Damnation!

I Opine

Day two of the blog, but how to make use of it? It occurs to me this would have been far more suited while still at St. Bonaventure, as there would have been plenty of immediately relevant material to discuss most of the time. As it stands, however, I am left with a lot of irrelevant bullshit that I can banter about, but the masses will be in no hurry to choke down. The mob is fickle, as they say, and they demand to be entertained. My thoughts? Fuck the mob.

So Catwoman debuted at a distant number three this weekend, bringing in a disappointing 17.2 million dollars. Question - is anyone really surprised? As Bob so wisely put it in a moment of strange and terrible wisdom - "If you want to see Halle Berry in revealing outfits, just type her name in a Yahoo search, why go all the way to the movies and spend money?" And right he is, for as the previews for the movie made plain enough...this will be in the running for worst movie ever. On a slightly more artistic note, however, Halle did use an interview to reveal that she "spent months studying feline movements." This only shows again what a true artist this woman is, and she completely deserves her Oscar.

"We have lost all credibility." - Carter at the Democratic National Convention. Wait a minute...Carter said that? Oh, the irony!

By the way...RIP Marlon Brando

Contrary to what you may have heard, I will not be throwing my hat in the presidential candidate mix this election. Though the Sherry/Ballachino ticket did wrap up several votes in the 2000 election, I have decided to remain uninvolved this time around because they continue to refuse to allow me access to the debates. Frankly, I still don't understand it. Between Bush grinning like an idiot and stumbling over his words and Kerry's face threatening to drip completely off his face once and for all while he shouts in his "beyond the grave" voice stupid shit like "I LOVE NEW HAMPSHIRE!" - I think having someone like me up there might be refreshing for Americans. I could drink a gin and tonic, smoke Al Capone Cigarellos, and say things like "I promise to use the full weight of US military strength to remove Gary Bettman from power and restore dignity to the NHL," or "Christ, more questions? Can I just go the bar already?"

Looking for something to read this summer? Try "In the Hand of Dante" by Nick Tosches. And please...a simple plea to all college aged kids out there...do not read "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and think that you are a certified intellectual because you know who Hunter S. Thompson is. While I'm at it, same thing with "On the Road" by Kerouac. Good books, both, but also the holy grail of every psuedo-intellectual punk out there trying to get some culture. There's other shit, and better shit, fuckers.

That aside, I did not mean to give the impression that I am intellectual and I'm pleading on behalf of other intellectuals. I prefer to describe myself as more of a "Happenin' Bum" of sorts. I'm cool for no reason. I'm not smart, good looking, funny, charming, hard working, out going, or anything of the sort. I'm just - plain and simple - a guy who exists. And I'm cool.

Okay, enough opining for today. Maybe next time I'll try and be a little more serious...wax philosophic or some shit. Probably not. At any rate, thankyou for wasting your time on this crap, and in the words of the always charming Dick Cheney...fuck off.

Debut of the "Blog"

It seems as if everybody has one of these things, and since I read exactly none of them it seemed only fitting that I create my own and "dazzle the moon above" (as the singer says) with my brilliance. But I am a reasonable man (albeit a mad one) and so I eventually came to my senses and I now understand that nobody will read this. Disheartening? Slightly. Enough to stop me? Never! That said...

This "blogspot" found its origins in my own massive boredom born of having my first day off of work in exactly 21 days. Hours of watching the news and wandering the neighborhood aimlessly with my faithful Siberian Husky companion did nothing to aleviate this feeling, and so I turned reluctantly to the computer - or rather "The Vile" as I shall now be calling it. At any rate, I saw "blog" in somebody's profile and rather than read it I thought to myself, "Hey...why in fuck's name don't I make my own blog? That should kill a half hour, shouldn't it?" And so here I type, and type is what I shall continue to do as I spend the next ten minutes spilling my guts about whatever strikes my interest to blather about.

In South America a sports referee did a bad thing...
"OHANNESBURG (Reuters) -- A South African soccer referee pulled a gun and shot dead a coach who questioned one of his rulings, police said on Sunday..."There was an altercation and the referee became threatened when the other team approached him because they were angry," Govender said. "So he pulled out a gun and killed the coach of the visiting team."
- Maybe now people won't look at me so funny when I suggest in all seriousness that we run all referees screaming like sissies into the ocean and let the whale sharks sort them out.

Whale sharks, by the way, are possibly the dumbest looking things I've ever seen...that is except for Michael Moore who I mantain looks like a severly mentally deranged manitee - and when he shouts and hollars about evil corporations and ignorant Americans his belly jiggles like a bowful of jelly.

In all seriousness, however...I have finally retired from my five year job as a building and grounds worker for Hamburg Schools. I was offered no salary hikes or irrisistable benefits by my former employers as I walked out the door, but they did have the integrity to buy pizza and wings for me and let me leave an hour and a half early. Now its off to a less than promising job at Keybank answering phones all day. Am I the type of person that can deal with customers' questions for thirty hours a week, even if the pay is considerable (which it is)? A recent poll showed most Americans don't think so, with an astonishing 71% saying no, and only 22% showing any confidence in me. 7% of those surveyed said they didn't feel like they knew me well enough yet and are reserving judgement.

If I was the reporter that Heinz Kerry told to "shove it" I would have said something like "Yah, well at least my name isn't Heinz."

Some free friendly advertising... www.fulltreblestereo.com - Check out the website, and listen to the sound bytes. These chaps are good.

Whale sharks are slow swimmers, going no more than 3 mph (5 kph). They swim by moving their entire bodies from side to side (not just their tails, like some other sharks do).

Sometimes I wonder about the times we live in. National intelligence has reason to believe that the Democratic National Convention is in danger of being attacked by anarchists. If anyone has seen "The Big Lebowski" then you are well aware that anarchists "believe in nah-ting." But this is not true, for anarchists believe strongly and unshakably in Chumbawumba. This "kick-ass rock band" is the modern face of anarchism across the globe, and its spokesperson, posterchild, and recruiting poster at the same time. If you want to strike a blow against anarchism, start by striking a blow against tub thumping. But come on...all joking aside, and barring any misfortune that may occur, it would be hilarious to see CNN reporting..."The Democratic National Convention came to a tragic end today after a violent attack by musical group Chumbawumba."

Whale sharks are harmless to people and usually indifferent to divers.

A rebuttle offered by John and myself to my sister's theory of global warming:
Sister's theory in summation: Global warming results in colder temperatures because the polar ice caps melt and move south and bring about a new ice age...hence, the last two summers we've had have been cold and rainy.

Rebuttle: In order for that to happen, global temperature would have to increase first. Even if temperatures would eventually drop, it would only be after a long period of much warmer temperatures, so therefore the cold summers we are now experiencing cannot be the start of an ice age. Furthermore, how could ice MELTING cause an ice age to begin? Huh? Think about that.

By the way, sports fans, it was me who talked Ricky Williams into early retirement. You owe me big Buffalo. I'm still working on Bellichek (however you spell that fucker's name), but if he doesn't voluntarily seek "freedom" in "asia" as well then its no problem. I'll just suffocate him with Tom Brady's winter cap. Oh wait...Tom Brady is a fag and he wears a winter cap everywhere, even in summer, because he thinks that makes him look more attractive to potential male suitors. Hmm...I'll have to figure something else out.

Whale sharks are sexually mature at 30 years old. This is the age at which they are able to mate and reproduce with Tom Brady.

Okay, that's enough for today. I've rambled and blathered and nothing has been accomplished. So until next time...farewell chums.

And in the charming words of the ever charming Heinz...shove it!